Yay! Your friend, sister or nephew just had a new baby. As the loving person you are, you want to go and welcome that little person and let the new parents know that you’re excited for them.
I love your enthusiasm, and that family will absolutely benefit from your support. We all need a community of people who love us to help out when we have an infant.
Some visitors are more helpful than others, though. As a doula, I have a few tips so that you’re the kind of person new mothers and new fathers want around (which might mean more baby snuggles for you- it’s a win-win).
- Wait to be invited.
Sometimes birth takes a while, and you never know exactly what state a family is in soon after. Quiet time, or resting with the help of nurses may be very important while they’re in the hospital. Or there may be limits on how many people can be in the room. So unless you’ve talked ahead of time, don’t assume that you should visit before she heads home.
And once families bring a baby home from the hospital, it takes time to get into a routine.
New mothers and fathers might be tracking baby poop, breastfeeding on demand, figuring out pumping schedules and watching for baby blues. It’s a lot!
Let them take the lead on when they’re accepting company.
- Keep social visits short and sweet.
Even once they’re home, families with new babies are usually tired. But parents want to be polite, and so they may feel obligated to entertain you if you come and get cozy on the couch.
- Think of how you can be helpful.
Bring food, play with a bored toddler, or do a simple chore (dishes and baby laundry seem neverending in the early postpartum period) and most folks will want you to stay longer.
If you’re taking some pressure off of the family, then you’re a treasured member of the village. It can be a lot to keep a baby alive, and a household from falling into chaos.
- Ask how everyone is doing. Listen.
Skip the advice unless it’s requested.
We have to remember that new mothers these days are bombarded with information, and it’s overwhelming.
The internet, the pediatrician and a thousand strangers have told a new mother what to do before her baby even gets here. Sometimes what she needs is the loved one who tells her to trust her gut.
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Wash your hands and follow the rules with a new baby.
Maybe you don’t understand why everyone needs to remove their shoes. Or, you’d prefer that she didn’t breastfeed in front of you. Maybe you don’t think the bottles need to be sterilized every time.
But the parents in a household get to be in charge. Let them set whatever boundaries they’d like, and respect them.
- Check in after the first couple of weeks.
Sometimes after the initial thrill of a baby has passed, and the first wave of support has gone back to work, new parents get lonely.
Mothers may feel overwhelmed by the constant dependency of a baby after a few weeks. Fathers don’t always know where they fit in. Anyone who’s had to go back to work is exhausted.
Come visit and listen again. Bring more food. Wash another baby bottle.
Remember, your best bet is to ask what the new family needs. As postpartum and infant care doulas, we learn two things quickly:
- Every family is different, and things change from week to week
- What new families need isn’t always easy for the rest of us to provide
To that second point, if you find that what your loved one really needs is help at 3 am, and you can’t do it, that’s where we come in.
It takes a village, and your loved ones are lucky to have you.
Be sure to check out our online pregnancy course designed for women of color, Attain.
