Dear Doula,
I feel absolutely terrible. Last night, my baby just wouldn’t stop crying. I think that’s supposed to make me feel sadness, and sympathy. That’s how I normally feel.
But I was exhausted. I just went back to work a week ago, and waking a couple of times per night is even harder than it was before. It seemed like she had just settled down, and then she was screaming again!
Normally at night, I just pick her up and nurse her until she’s asleep, then put her back in the bassinet.
But I couldn’t.
Or, I guess more accurately I didn’t want to. She’d been attached to me from the moment I got home after work, and between that and pumping at work, I just didn’t have it in me. I needed a break! She’d only been down for an hour, and her paci wouldn’t settle her. She pushed it away and cried out for me. All I could feel was annoyed.
I woke my husband up (who was snoring, of course) and told him that he had to hold her. And I went to go eat ice cream downstairs. He gave her a bottle of milk (thank God I have extra) and put her down.
I just couldn’t.
I feel terrible. But I just needed to be done for the day. And it’ll probably feel the same way tonight- it’s only 3pm and I’m already tired.
I’m dreading the nighttime parenting now.
Help! I don’t want to be angry with my baby. I love her!
Signed,
A Guilty Mom Who Ignored Her Daughter
Dear Guilty Mom,
First off, a reality check.
You did NOT ignore your daughter.
You woke up a second caregiver (her parent, no less) to attend to her needs when you couldn’t. And then you took care of your own needs. Now, you’re reaching out to figure out how to make it so everyone gets what they need. That’s being a good mother. Please let go of the guilt if you can.
I don’t think that loving babies means that we never feel tired or irritated with them. Even if you were angry, it’s just a feeling.
Feelings are not bad.
Some feelings seem undesirable. But think of it like poop. You wouldn’t tell your daughter to hold in her poop, or ignore it. Even if it’s unpleasant at times, baby poop must come out.
That’s annoyance, irritation or even anger. It’s normal and natural, and we have to feel it.
It’s what we do with the anger that matters.
I was at an overnight shift once with a postpartum doula client. I was with the baby in the nursery. He was gassy, and had been fussy all evening. After he’d woken up for his usual bottle, but when I went to put him back down, he wouldn’t rest.
He just kept fighting sleep- making whiny noises, grunting and wriggling. I was using all of my tricks to soothe a gassy baby, but nothing worked. He was getting agitated, and my arms were getting tired.
Then, as I was rocking him, he started swatting at me. And his little hand made a connection with my cheek. Hard.
I saw red. It felt like I’d been slapped!
Now, 4-month-olds don’t slap people. They get tired and fussy and grumpy, and they flail. They even get frustrated. But they don’t try to harm their doulas. I know this. And have the benefit of sleep that many parents of young ones don’t, so I can approach nighttime parenting (or doulaing, as the case may be) with some perspective.
But still, I was pretty damn put out, and my cheek stung.
So I followed the advice that a client’s pediatrician once gave her: If you ever feel angry with your baby, put two closed doors between you and her.
I went to the bathroom. I got a cup of water. I stretched. And I let the baby fuss for those 5 minutes.
Nothing bad happened. I’m not some magical baby fairy. I’m a postpartum doula, and a human. It was okay to take a break.
Nothing bad happened to your daughter. You’re human, not a mombot. It is okay to take a break.
Especially if this was the first moment of frustration, and you’re reaching out, that’s a good sign. You’re not becoming anxious (anger can be a symptom of postpartum mood and anxiety disorders) or resentful without getting support. Good.
Now, you asked for help, not just reassurance.
What I hear, is that you’re sleep deprived, experiencing the stress of heading back to work, and touched out. You also sound annoyed that your husband sleeps when you don’t.
My advice is to stop trying to do nighttime parenting alone.
Maybe you need to talk to your husband. And while it’s totally cool if, as the breastfeeding parent, you want to handle the nighttime duties, you should know that there’s nothing wrong with him giving a bottle while you have ice cream.
Maybe you need to consider letting someone help the two of you. It could be a family member. Or it could be that a postpartum doula would be perfect- to let both parents get rest so that your nerves aren’t frayed and your baby is cared for.
Nighttime parenting while working full time during the day is a real beast.
You have options, and you don’t have to feel frustrated or guilty about needing help.
Let me know how tonight goes, okay?
Sincerely,
Sam
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