I tested positive for COVID-19. And my first fear was for my mother, and my doula clients. (For the record, based on the timing of my last negative test and symptoms, no doula clients need to read this and worry).
Beyond fear, the very next thing that I felt was embarrassed.
Had I not been careful enough? Did I forget to wash my hands? Would I have to tell our doula clients I’d endangered them?
Nevermind that I’ve spent the majority of the year typing at you from my bedroom once coronavirus reached the area.
That I have to keep cocoa butter on my nightstand because my hands are so dry from scrubbing them.
Forget the fact that I have a supply of surgical masks because I’m skeptical about the cloth ones.
Or that I didn’t see my boyfriend for 3 months at a time out of caution.
And let’s not even talk about how it was immediately clear to me (based on negative tests) that I’d been less of a risk to a few clients I’d seen than their labor & delivery nurses (no fault of the nurses, just our poor testing situation).
I was embarrassed that as a former Masters in Public Health candidate and a very cautious postpartum doula who is trusted to hold babies at night so their parents are less afraid of SIDS, I’d be seen as a COVID denying, mask avoiding yahoo.
Coronavirus was bad for my brand as a doula. And I was worried that it somehow said something about my COVID-19 precautions and integrity.
So now on top of feeling like I had a horrific case of strep throat, sleeping 12+ hours a day, and watching myself and my loved ones’ symptoms, I’m dealing with shame.
But thank goodness for Black women. When I confessed my shame to a friend she immediately shut that down.
“People who are very careful are getting COVID.”
It was just that simple.
I was making a mistake that I see our doula clients make all the time: I was making a situation mean something about me that just wasn’t true.
Y’all do this so often and every time, I wish I could hug you.
Let’s look at some possible situations that have come up for clients:
- Not everyone enjoys every sensation of pregnancy (especially things like nausea, heartburn and a bladder that seems tiny).
- Some people have high-risk pregnancies.
- Your body’s size and shape will change during pregnancy and postpartum.
- You may change your mind about your birth plan in the middle of labor.
- Breastfeeding does not always go simply for every mother (or parent) and baby.
- You may need more sleep (or less broken sleep) than your newborn.
- Sometimes couples argue while they adjust to their roles as parents.
Now, I tried to write these things objectively.
But they usually don’t feel objective. Often, each of these scenarios comes with so many thoughts and feelings. I’ve heard some of these over the years:
- Some mothers worry that not enjoying pregnancy means they aren’t being grateful or excited about their child.
- I’ve heard people experiencing a high-risk pregnancy blame themselves.
- Having trouble adjusting to the changes in your body can feel like you’re out of control or not being body positive.
- Struggling with breastfeeding might feel like you aren’t being loving towards your baby.
- Asking for help overnight can feel self-indulgent.
- Fighting while you have a new baby worries people about the future of their relationship.
But what if none of these things have to mean anything bad? What if instead, they’re just temporary parts of the process.
Not the pretty, Instagram ready parts. But typical, nonetheless.
Just like it is perfectly natural to contract a highly contagious virus in the midst of a global pandemic, it is utterly normal to have concerns, doubts and fears as you go through motherhood.
We get to decide what our experiences mean. We get to determine what to do when expectation doesn’t meet reality.
For me, I decided to consume enough soup and tea to float away, and quarantine so that I continued to practice good public health standards. I’ll stay away from everyone until I have a negative test, and be grateful that my case seems to be mild. See, I’m not a science-denier after all!
I like to hope that any expectant or new parents reading this will be gentle with yourselves. You couldn’t possibly have found your way to a doula blog if you aren’t going to be excellent at raising those babies.
And if you want to talk any of this through, that’s what a doula is for. We’re just an email away.
