You had a plan for how motherhood would go. And you’ve followed it. You went to college, got a good job and became independent enough to stand on your own two feet. You have friends who are loving and kind. You even found a partner, or put everything in place to live fulfilled on your own (and goodness knows either way- partnered of single mom by choice- it’s a journey).
And now it’s time for pregnancy and becoming a mother. Let’s do this!
But that’s wait. Suddenly no one is following directions. What happened to the plan?
We get a lot of these calls as labor and postpartum doulas. In an area like the DMV, most of you are overachievers. You’re used to accomplishing and being excellent.
And then suddenly you enter the realm of pregnancy, birth, and parenting, where nothing goes the way that you expected. It’s like going from being an all-star at life, back to your rookie season.
Someone tell me if that sports reference doesn’t make sense. I’m trying a new thing.
When you’re used to being on top of your game, becoming a mother can shake your confidence. Sometimes it rocks you to your core.
Some of you call after a struggle with conceiving a child, or maybe after you’ve had a loss. Fertility issues and miscarriages are both so much more common than we talk about, and our hearts go out to you.
It could be that we hear from you because your pregnancy has been tough. A thousand little things can happen while you’re trying to grow a baby. Morning sickness and fatigue are pretty normal. Then there’s gestational diabetes and pre-eclampsia which are common, but concerning. But some of you call us because of conditions no one prepared you for- hyperemesis gravidarum, cholestasis or a hundred other things.
What’s up with your body? This wasn’t a part of your plan for becoming a mother.
Or maybe you’re fortunate to remain healthy all the way through, but labor is intimidating. What if the pain is more than you expect, or you miss your window to get to the hospital and you have a car baby?
Having a baby in the car is not on anyone’s birth plan.
And more than just a change in plans, a lot of you have called recently with fears of labor and childbirth being not just painful, but dangerous.
There’s a sense that becoming a mother is risky, and with the news being what it is, we understand.
Some ofyou make it through all of that pregnancy and birth business like the A+ students you’ve always been.
But having a new baby is nothing like you imagined.
You’re exhausted, your breasts hurt and you’re anxious about if you’re doing it right. Your partner and your mama are both getting on your nerves. Some of your friends ask if they can come help but they really mean that they want to hold the baby and that’s not what you need right now.
No matter when it hits you that becoming a mother is kind of messy and out of control:
You call, and we talk. And, if I’ve been a good doula and done my job right, a little bit into the phone call you’re relieved.
Many of you are surprised that someone “gets it.”
Now, how is it that I get all of this anxiety about motherhood? Especially as a doula who hasn’t had kids? I get it because you’re normal.
If you’re a woman who’s experiencing some challenges as while becoming a mother or growing your family, you’re absolutely not alone.
If you’re an anxious new mom, and feeling like it’s hard right now, there are so many other women walking that path with you.
We’ve talked to them, and we want each of you to know that the others are out there.
Because unfortunately for us Type-A perfectionists, babies don’t care about our five-year plans. And our bodies don’t always easily get with the program.
But I havegood news:
Whatever is happening right now in pregnancy or as a new mother is temporary, and it won’t always be this way.
Trust me, you will feel like the overachieving boss you’ve always been again.
And in the meantime, you don’t have to go through this journey alone. Just reach out, and we’ll tell you that there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be in control of your body and your baby. Seriously. Becoming a mother while being Type A? You can totally handle it.
