Dear Doula,
I want to stop breastfeeding. I’ve never really said that out loud, but honestly, I just don’t like it.
I’m not one of those women who has a bad latch. I don’t have a low supply, and my baby has taken to nursing just fine. I pump about once a day because we want her to take a bottle when I have to be away, and that’s no big deal.
Before you think “oh well maybe something is wrong emotionally”, I have no trauma related to my breasts (thank God). I feel anxious about breastfeeding, but it’s not because of the pain or because something is wrong. It’s really just because I don’t enjoy it.
I want to be one of those mothers who looks so angelic, feeding my baby and stroking her face. I want breastfeeding to be a time where I fall in love with my baby. But while I know formula isn’t bad for her, I have to make myself nurse her. I find myself wishing that sometimes someone other than me could be in charge of the feeding.
Mostly, I just scroll my phone and feel a bit impatient. It’s like every time I start to do something it’s time to nurse again. I want to cook, or tackle the chaos that is still her nursery, or talk to my husband. I feel like I can’t get ahead!
I think the demands of breastfeeding are making me a bit resentful. What a terrible thing, to resent my baby. I sound like a bad mom.
But I really just want my boobs back, at least some of the time. Or I wish that someone else to handle feeding her so I could get some space?
Is there anything I can do? I want to nurture my baby in this way. I know it’s good for her, and I’m able to do it. So even if I want to stop breastfeeding, I should keep going, right?
Will it get better?
Signed,
Breastfeeding, But Over It
Dear Over It,
This is one of those things that no one talks about. What if you can, but you want to stop breastfeeding?
First of all, I want to say that to me, you don’t sound like a bad mom. Not everyone will react that way. With the way that you’re feeling, you probably want to stay out of the breastfeeding support groups.
But I believe that it’s okay not to love every aspect of parenting.
And if you need someone to give you permission, here it is:
You can give your daughter formula sometimes, and still be a good mother. Even if you are capable of nursing her, you can stop breastfeeding.
I can’t quite tell though, from your letter if that’s what you really want.
I want to explore your sense that nothing is wrong, so I’m going to ask you to consider a few things you may not have thought of:
- Are you getting enough sleep since you became a mother?
I often hear people say that “everything will look better in the morning” when we’re going through a tough time. That’s because sleep is restorative. As a new mom who’s almost exclusively nursing, you very well might not be getting enough.
- Are you feeling irritable about anything else?
We don’t think about it, but irritation and impatience are symptoms of postpartum mood and anxiety disorders (PMADS). PMADs such as postpartum anxiety or postpartum depression are pretty common, and it’s worth considering how your overall adjustment to motherhood is going.
- Are you feeling “touched out”?
If your daughter is nursing all day, and you feel like you can’t get anything done, I wonder if you’re also carrying her, holding her or rocking her most of the day. Or if you are just a person who needs space, because newborns are terrible with boundaries. If it would help, consider having someone else do a bit of cuddling with your daughter. If it’s your primary time to snuggle your daughter and you have some freedom at other times, maybe nursing will feel less like a chore.
- Do you feel this way about nursing for a whole feed, or is it just when your milk is letting down? Can you tell?
There’s this condition called D-MER– dysphoric milk ejection reflex. Some of us feel an overwhelming sense of sadness, disgust or other negative feelings when milk is released. And because milk is usually released multiple times over a nursing session, it can make some mothers associate these feelings with nursing overall.
If your answer to any of these things is yes, I want to suggest that you get some support. You said you want to talk to your husband- these are good feelings to share with him. Maybe you have a confidant that you trust- a friend, sister or mom.
No matter what you think right now, you’re not the first mother to want to stop breastfeeding.
And I also have to say that these are the sorts of situations postpartum doulas excel in. We can get you a nap (or a full night of sleep!), hold your baby, talk you to you about how intense this time is, and remind you that you’re normal. We also have connections to therapists in the DC, MD and VA area if a PMAD is part of the issue.
Now, if your answer to all of these things is no, then I’ll tell you again- if breastfeeding makes you unhappy, you are not a bad mother.
You said yourself that formula isn’t bad for your daughter. And I want to reassure you that it’s true.
There’s a lot of pressure to breastfeed. But none of the advocates are in your home, or your body, and they’re not raising your baby.
I know you’ll make the right choice for your family. Let us know how we can help.
Learn more about postpartum support here! It’s our job to help.
