“Don’t quit on a bad day.” 

I heard a lactation consultant give this advice to a mutual client of ours once. 

I can remember sitting next to this woman on her sofa, with a huge cup of water for her in my left hand, and rubbing her back in circles with my right. She had attempted valiantly to nurse her firstborn son but was now weeping as her baby rested on the breastfeeding pillow in front of her. 

The lactation consultant had done everything we expect them to do: she’d weighed the baby prior to feeding him, made adjustments to how his mother cradled him, and adjusted his lips and helped him latch properly. And by the end of it, this nursing session felt better. The scale suggested that he’d gotten enough too. 

As her postpartum doula, I’d taken notes on technique, and pictures, so that her partner could help when I wasn’t there. We had a game plan (and if I know our clients, y’all love nothing more than a game plan.)

But by this time, the new mother’s nipples were so raw and cracked that there was a bit of blood in the nipple shields that she ended up using. And she was exhausted. 

And when the lactation consultant had kneeled in front of her and asked what else she could help with, the client began to bawl. Eventually, her sobs subsided enough that we could hear her fears- 

“It’s all so much work, and I didn’t know breastfeeding would be this hard. I don’t know if I can do this again in just a couple of hours.”

I handed her a tissue, and she dried some of her tears. Her nose was bright red, but she was calmer. 

The lactation consultant looked into this mother’s eyes and calmly asked, “Do you want to breastfeed?”

“I did,” she said, and I could see more tears welling up. 

“Well, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to,” the lactation consultant said. “But don’t quit on a bad day,” the lactation consultant said. “If you need to use some formula again, you have it. But today is not the day to give up on this, if breastfeeding is what you want. Remember, you and your son have never done this before. You have to give both of you time.”

I’ve remembered that advice, and carried it with me. 

It applies to so much more than breastfeeding with cracked nipples. 

We all have choices to make, every day. This week, as a small business owner and doula, it has felt like too fucking many choices, to be honest.

No choice has been satisfying in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic. 

Moving to virtual services last week allows me to follow reasonable public health advice, and reduce the spread of COVID-19. It assures me that none of the doulas on my team will contract it and bring it home to her loved ones. And none of our clients will face illness contracted from their doula while giving birth or recovering postpartum. It allows us to leave critical protective equipment for healthcare workers, and take some pressure off of labor and delivery nurses. 

But my heart continues to ache. 

While we are grateful for the opportunity to be your virtual doulas, we want to be by your side.

We want to be in your labor rooms. We want to support you with your new baby. 

And it feels like nothing we do is quite adequate. 

I never seriously considered it, but the part of my brain that’s prone to depressive episodes and anxious, catastrophic thinking said “Just give up. There’s nothing you can do anymore.” And honestly, in the midst of panic and trauma, that’s not totally unreasonable.

When I pointed out reassurances last week that I was rational and not depressed, my therapist specifically told me, “You seem as good as can be expected. But, it would be okay, if you weren’t okay right now.”

This COVID-19 pandemic and the social distancing it requires all feels like a vindication of my most anxious worst-case scenarios. 

Thankfully though the wisdom of that woman has continued to ground me-

“Don’t quit on a bad day,” she said. 

“This is hard, but you’ve never done this before. You have a game plan. You want this. And the path forward is hard, but it’s there. Just try it, before you quit, and wait until the pain subsides.”

It seems like the pain of coronavirus will be with us longer than breastfeeding struggles tend to last. My initial 2-3 weeks of virtual support may have been a pipe dream. 

Already though, there are signs that we will come out of this. Coronavirus and social distancing, like everything else, will eventually pass.

Babies continue to be born. 

Virtual classes are working (and they’re fun!), and we’re able to check in with you all for postpartum support. We’re fine tuning what virtual labor support looks like at this moment. 

The government is beginning to take this seriously. Countries are starting to see their infection rates fall. Rapid results coronavirus tests are being developed that would allow us to reassure you that we’re not ill. 

And most importantly, our doula clients have mostly been gracious and understanding of the unprecedented nature of coronavirus, and the steps we’ve had to take. Thank you.

So, if you find yourself in need of the reminder- we’re all doing things that we’ve never done before. Let’s not give up on our bad days. Contact us, we’d love to support you.