Bringing a child into the world is quite a feat! It deserves respect, and much of our job as doulas is to help with whatever is needed to make that happen. Our job is bigger, though- we care about the entire family thriving, including the new dad or non-birthing mother.
So let’s take a moment today to talk to partners, about how doulas can help the entire family bond.
First, I want to dispel the myth that partners (new dads especially) are hapless or helpless. On the contrary- you are valuable members of the birth team, and you’re doing a great job!
Most of the couples that we work with are in this pregnancy thing together. You’ve been through the classes, read the books, and often even interview your doulas as a pair.
But if it still seems overwhelming, even though you’re not giving birth, you’re not alone. If you’re like most partners (especially men) you’re supporting birth without a lot of idea of how it’s supposed to work, and where you’re supposed to fit in.
- Before a couple of generations ago, a new dad wasn’t expected to be in the birth room. And we have very few cultural references for queer couples.
- All that preparation doesn’t erase that you’re having your own experience of becoming a parent (again).
- You’re watching a person you love and care for go through pregnancy, and gearing up for the pains of childbirth. It’s hard to see a loved one changing and stressed out.
- It’s rare for anyone to ask you how you feel about all of the feelings that might be coming up.
So here’s how we can work together when you work with DC Metro Maternity:
Your doula will act as a coach, quarterback, and cheerleader in one.
You’ve learned all the plays before the big day, and we help you figure out which ones to put in play, and cheer you on when you run them. (I really hope that metaphor worked. I’m not big on the sports.)
During our prenatal appointments with labor clients, we specifically discuss where you see yourself as a partner in the birth. On the day of childbirth, we’ll remind you about positions you’ve practiced, what tools might be helpful, and encourage you to communicate. And we point out positive moments for everyone as you move through labor.
This same approach continues once baby is here. As a postpartum doula, we work to build both parents’ confidence- in themselves, and one another. We can show you diaper changing tricks, swaddling and babywearing, and how to bond with your baby even if you’re not the one doing the breastfeeding.
The family as a whole will be stronger due to a doula’s assistance, and you’ll learn exactly how important you are to your partner and your child(ren).
Your doula acts as a caregiver.
Labor and newborn care are usually tough for everyone in the room. Physically supporting someone through contractions, helping her into positions, coaching her through breathing and staying up all night, while not giving birth, is demanding. So are nights with less sleep and learning new skills to soothe a baby.
During labor and birth, your doula will keep a mental note of when everyone has last eaten and slept. We’re in the habit of sending a non-birthing parent for a walk, or going to get a sandwich for a new dad.
During postpartum, overnight shifts are all about helping everyone get into good habits and preventing sleep deprivation. If you want to share the load, we support you, and we want to make sure that you’re taking care of yourself, so you can keep at it.
Our role is to ensure that both parents have what you need, as you care for your baby.
Your doula acts as an observer and a container for your feelings.
The beauty of having someone involved in the process, but not emotionally invested in the same way, is that we’re there to notice things you might otherwise miss.
During labor and birth, your doula will see when you’re exhausted, but finding a way to stay present and show up for your wife. Or during a tough pregnancy, we can listen to your pain when your girlfriend’s morning sickness lasts all day and is debilitating. We see you trying to connect with the mother of your child in her new identity when suddenly everything seems different.
You’re having your own emotional experience as a new dad or mom, but may not want to dump it on your pregnant partner as she labors, or recovers.
Your doula will see the emotions, the challenges, and the triumphs. We can reassure you that it’s safe to feel that way and to share it with your loved one.
No matter what role we play for a couple, the doula is always a third teammate.
We never seek to replace our birthing clients’ partners or make a new dad feel replaced.
Instead, we’re there to add to everyone’s experience.
There have even been times when the person not giving birth feels that they are the one who benefited the most from having a doula. It’s an awesome outcome if this is what we hear from a new dad, or a mother who didn’t give birth feels cared for too.
If you’re planning to hire a doula you have come to the right place! Learn more about doulas here and let’s start this journey together!
