Keke Palmer‘s joyful and bold personality is no secret to her fans. However, when she became a mother, her partner had certain expectations of how she should change her demeanor and appearance now that she had a new baby. There are lessons here for Black women during postpartum (and beyond).
I am of course talking about the incident involving the Keke taking all of her beautiful and vibrant energy to an Usher concert, dancing and wearing a revealing dress. Her partner’s reactio (and the aftermath) raised an important question: In a partnership demand someone to become less of themselves? The answer is absolutely the f*** not!
Embracing authenticity is key.
This is true always, but especially during matresence, as mothers should feel free to express themselves and find joy without judgment.
So, the next time you see a Black mom enjoying herself in public, cheer her on and celebrate her unapologetic individuality!
Matresence is a termed coined by Aurélie Athan, a reproductive psychologist at Columbia University. It is the the physical, emotional, hormonal and social transition to becoming a mother, and it can be intense.
This time is about more than just a physical transformation (though no, your body never goes back to what it was before). There is a profound identity shift as someone becomes a mother. For Black women, this journey is often accompanied by additional challenges, such as societal pressures to make sacrifices for your child, professional pressuresl and- during pregnancy and early postpartum- the fear of becoming a maternal health statistic. As a postpartum doula, I’ve witnessed firsthand the challenges faced by Black women during this crucial phase. My goal is to support mothers as they navigate this transitional period while preserving their unique identities.
Unfortunately in the US, we live In a world where Black women are often threatened with being reduced to a statistic from the moment we get pregnant. So much of Black pregnancy is colored by the fear of maternal mortality. It drives doctor’s advice, it colors the conversations folks have while reaching out for a doula, and it taints medical interactions with fear.
That’s why it is essential to highlight moments where Black mothers unapologetically enjoy life and embrace joy. This is especially true during the first year postpartum, as women are figuring out who they are now.
After someone has grown a child, brought them earthside and healed during her fourth trimester, she deserves to be herself. The misconception that being a mother means being toned down needs to be shattered. Celebrating oneself and expressing joy have nothing to do with one’s ability to care for their baby. Black moms, you deserve to bask in joy and celebrate your bodies and individuality, especially after giving birth. Your joy is a blessing, and it should be cherished! And for everyone in the village, let’s celebrate and empower Black moms as they make their way through matresence, staying true to themselves throughout the journey.
Partnering Through Parenthood: Avoid This Pitfall in Postpartum
A crucial aspect of parenthood (when it’s done with two parents) is partnership. Dads and all non-birthing partners play a significant role in supporting new mothers through the challenges of postpartum life. Emotional support, open communication, and mutual respect are vital. Rather than make assumptions about what your partner will be like as a mother or father, have a conversation.
I encourage parents to create a postpartum plan. And an often overlooked part of that is having talks about their expectations of parenthood, ensuring they align and create a nurturing environment for the new family.
If you fall in love with someone, and have a baby with them, you do not want to be the reason for them feeling overwhelmed, stifled or self-conscious in their body or identity. Instead I recommend:
- Setting up a time during pregnancy (or before! But I know some babies are surprise blessings) to talk about what the early postpartum period and first year looks like. Think (and talk!) about things like:
- Who is going to work, and when?
- How will you handle chores- both baby duty and beyond?
- What self-care or solo activities will you each prioritize?
- What parts of yourself do you hope won’t change after having babies?
- What values do you each bring to parenthood?
- Make a plan for mental, emotionall and social well-being and not just diapers and sleep schedules.
- Expect plans to change. Matresence is such a big deal, and just like we can’t predict what an 8 year old will be like at 18, after puberty, we cannot predict how the fourth trimester and motherhood will impact a woman.
Having these conversations out loud helps us move beyond societal stereotypes that have no place in modern parenthood. Gender roles that don’t apply to Black folks in the first place should never dictate how we navigate the beautiful journey of parenthood.
Postpartum preparation goes beyond baby showers and postpartum care kits. It involves creating a comprehensive plan that includes emotional support, self-care, and open communication.
As a postpartum doula, I’ve had countless conversations with expectant mothers, primarily Black women, who express their nervousness and concerns about motherhood. And I’ve seen couples get it right. Let’s focus on building healthy bonds and strong families, not just surviving but thriving in the postpartum period. Trust your instincts, cherish your identity, and let’s encourage women to let motherhood help them shine more brightly, rather than dim their light.
Want to hear more? Check out this episode of Musings of a Black Doula.
There are several steps to ensure that you get through matresence feeling like a version of yourself that you love. And if you want a resource that includes lots of conversations pregnant Black women should have with their partners, and the rest of their village, I have a course for you! Attain is an online course, specifically designed for Black woman giving birth in the hospital.
