As a doula, I spend a lot time thinking about self-care.
Lately, I’ve been giving talks to pregnant mothers and expectant couples in Waldorf, MD about the importance of self-care after they have a baby. I talk about how this can be the difference in whether they feel fulfilled during the postpartum period.
I’ve noticed something about this self-care conversation. When I describe it to other doulas, or moms of older kids, they think that I’m talking about pampering.
People imagine that I’m encouraging pregnant women to send their partners out for ice cream, and hire a postpartum doula so that they don’t have to wash pump parts once the baby is here. That maybe I talk about how a birth doula can rub your feet after you’ve had an epidural, and make you feel cozy while you wait for your baby.
I’m here for all of those things. You should have all the ice cream you like while you grow human life, and someone should rub your feet, and you shouldn’t have to keep track of the twenty thousand pieces to your breast pump and make sure that they’re all clean.
But that’s not what I mean, when I say self-care. It’s not all softness, and snuggly beds and luxuriating.
Sometimes self-care is about building yourself up, so that you can push through the most challenging things you’ve faced. It’s about preparing to dig deep, and birth a baby, and then keep it alive.
While I think pregnancy is an excellent time for pampering, I think self-care is bigger than that.
Self-care is having tough conversations about who you will allow into your birth room, and how to make sure that they know what support you need.
Self-care is about taking a childbirth education class, and realizing that a lot of birth actually grosses you and your partner out, and figuring out how to cope with that.
Self-care is being honest about how much the pain of labor actually scares you, and why, and finding people who will help you overcome that fear, get tools to cope, and instill confidence in your abilities.
Self-care is admitting that you’ve never held a brand new newborn before, and you never realized they were so messy, and you’re not sure what to do about all of this.
Self-care is learning not to be superwoman, and admitting that even though you’ve had a baby before, motherhood is hard with an infant, and you miss adult company.
Self care is being honest about your challenges. It’s about being bold enough to ask for what you need.This is the kind of self-care that allows you to thrive.
In the name of self care…
You can say no to the judgy cousin who has lots of opinions about what your birth should look like. She doesn’t need to be in the room.
You can find time for a birth class, even if it’s a crash course in your living room for you and your partner..
You can ask people to do chores when they visit, instead of holding the baby.
You can force yourself out of the house to a new moms group while your older child is at school, even if it would be easier to stay in bed with the baby, because you know that sunshine and community will make you less lonely.
Self care is doing the hard things.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m excited for the sort of self care that is babymoons, and fancy delivery robes. (I’ve been taking notes for my own hypothetical births!)
But I want more for you. I’m proud of my clients when they do the kind of self care that isn’t quite as fun.
I get why we avoid that sort of conversation. Nobody wants to do the sort of self-care that pushes us outside of our comfort zone.
As an entrepreneur, I have to spend a lot of time focused on my own self-care.
Self-care for me has looked like holding myself accountable for working, and growing my business, even though there’s no boss to check in with and Netflix has so much content.
Self-care is budgeting for a training to expand my skills as a doula, when I’d rather spend that money on delivery food.
Self-care has sometimes meant working from bed when my anxiety acts up and I can’t seem to put on pants. And self-care is realizing that some days I don’t need to wallow, and I actually *can* get out of bed if decide that I want to.
Self-care means calling someone to kick my ass into gear. It’s calling someone to tell me that I’m a good doula and I should get back to work. It means not calling the person who will tell me that I’ve been a good enough doula already, and I can go back to bed.
Self-care has meant realizing that I can’t do this work all alone, and I need a team to work with. It’s about taking the risk and giving up a touch of control to doulas that I trust. It has meant launching DC Metro Maternity. Self-care means not being a martyr for the sake of other families, and instead setting up systems so that I can have one of my own, someday.
So yes, self-care is important. And I’ll keep shouting about how important it is for mothers and all parents. But just know that I do know that sometimes self-care sucks.
