We need to talk about Tiffany on Insecure, and her postpartum depression.
*spoilers ahead, so if you’ve not watched the season, stop now*
I know that Molly and Issa have been the top storyline this season. We’ve formed our teams, and watched their portrayal of a breakdown in female friendship.
But as a doula, I’ve had my eye on Tiffany all season. Ever since we met her new baby girl, I’ve noticed that the usually picture perfect woman hasn’t been able to keep up appearances.
I made an actual list, because I wondered how it would all play out.
She seems listless and distracted when we first see Issa and Molly visit after her birth.
The birth story that Tiffany describes is full of doctors ignoring and dismissing her, and fear for her own safety- things that can lead to birth trauma or PTSD.
At that same get together, Tiffany shares that she doesn’t like her baby unless the little girl is chill (though she assures us that loves her, and for the record, I believe it).
We learn that the pregnancy wasn’t planned from Derek (her husband), and that breastfeeding “didn’t take” as Tiffany gets a little more than tipsy.
Then remember at the block party, when she didn’t want to relieve the overwhelmed babysitter because she was “finally out”?
All of these happen in episodes well before she takes off.
Here’s a thing that I know is true- the newborn stage isn’t everyone’s favorite phase of motherhood.
You can love your children deeply and think that infants are demanding and don’t give you much in return. We expect incredible devotion from modern parents (especially mothers). And women like Tiffany who’ve gotten to the top of their fields, with every hair just so, sometimes struggle with being a beginner at parenting.
Motherhood is not an identity that she’s mastered, and maybe not one she expected at this moment.
For those reasons, I wasn’t sure exactly what to make of Tiffany’s behavior. Any of these things individually would have been a blip. Alone, these are things that I might reassure a postpartum doula client are perfectly normal. And if the show had made this storyline about her ambivalence, or motherhood just not matching her expectations, I wouldn’t have opposed it.
In order to reassure someone that they’re normal though, you have to be talking about it. You have to notice each other.
Throughout the season- even before the final climactic episode- I couldn’t help but wonder, “You okay, sis?”
I was a little surprised that no one seemed to ask. Derek (her husband) and Lawrence seemed to have more of a conversation about what parenthood and identity shifts meant than any of the women.
I imagined there was a postpartum depression storyline coming and kept waiting for someone to bring it up all season.
On the other hand though, I wasn’t surprised that none of the other women reached out. Why would they?
Issa and Molly have been busy with their own lives and feuds. The storyline of Tiffany’s marriage and pregnancy has been full of distancing from her old friend group. And Tiffany has often been portrayed as superficial, with a wall up that might discourage intimate conversations.
Like other parts of the show, the portrayal of certain friendships between Black women has some major truths. And the way that Tiffany’s struggles fell through the cracks until they escalated (that was some major escalation) in the season finale had the ring of truth.
So many women don’t identify their postpartum mood disorder until they have the benefit of hindsight.
It worries me, the number of women that end up in a doula training with me, or talk to me while pregnant with their second or third baby that look back and notice how they struggled. And when I ask “who was with you”, these are usually not women who were living in isolation.
As friends, godparents of newborns, aunties and moms, we can do better. It’s time.
Many of us don’t know the signs of postpartum mood and anxiety disorders.
While awareness of mental health and maternal mental health in particular has improved, it’s not where it needs to be. Things we think are normal don’t have to be.
So here are the signs postpartum depression (or other mood disorders) to be aware of, for yourself, your partner or your friends:
- Insomnia (even when your baby and other demands would allow you to sleep)
- A lack of motivation and enjoyment
- Overeating or loss of appetite
- Overwhelming sadness
- Panicky feelings or a fixation on the baby’s health
- Worries that overwhelm you and become obsessive
- Detachment from your baby or partner
- Feelings of sudden rage or constant irritability
- Becoming sure that your baby or family would be better off with someone else
- Losing touch with reality
In order to notice most of this though, we have to listen.
I suspect that no one knew how bad things were with Tiffany (other than Derek) because they just didn’t ask. They didn’t question her offhand comments. They didn’t seem to check in on her.
And that’s something that we can all do. It’s hard to view our friends objectively, without judgment about who they’ve been in the past or what we expect of them. It’s tempting to just brush things off as Tiffany being Tiffany.
But even if motherhood was just garden variety challenging for her, it would have been nice if someone had talked to her about it.
Every time we try, we get closer to a world where fewer Black women feel isolated as new parents. And we have a world where we’re more likely to notice postpartum depression before it escalates.
So much of postpartum doula work is simply listening. Making room for silence and for seemingly strong and perfect women to let down their guard. Sitting with someone in the complicated place that is “in love with my baby, while also not really liking her”. Or even “being unsure about if I was actually ready for motherhood.”
Not everyone needs to be a postpartum doula. But we can all be better friends to new mothers.
We may not be able to prevent every woman who feels her only option is to run away. The combination of hormones, pressure and huge changes is a thing, and we’re working within an American culture that encourages isolation rather than togetherness.
We certainly owe it to one other to try though. Too many of us are insecure about early motherhood, and it can be different.
For postpartum support visit us here, we’re more than happy to help.
