Recently, I was explaining to the mother of a labor doula client what exactly the role of a doula is. She looked at me, seemingly amused at all this new-fangled Millenial speak of emotional support and informed decision making, and asked, “But isn’t that what her husband is for? Isn’t that why they took a childbirth class? I saw him read The Birth Partner?”

I turned to the husband she was referencing and said, “Be honest… Do you remember everything that you learned in childbirth education?” Sheepishly, he responded that he did not. I reassured that it was okay not to have mastered hip squeezes, and the phases of labor. “I’ll be there to remind you.”

I’m not a wife or mother, but I observe a lot of couples. And y’all, I need to be real with you.

We put a lot of pressure on our partners, in modern relationships. We seem to think that the people we marry are going to be everything- our best friends, our lovers, and our career coaches and our therapists.

But your husband, wife, boo thang or significant other, cannot be your doula.

Let’s think about what that would even mean. This person who is also having a baby, or at the very least, loving you while you have one, is supposed to:

• Become an expert on the birth process
• Become an expert on the various options you have in local hospitals
• Learn physical ways to support you through your labor while possibly  sacrificing their own physical needs
• Support the rest of your family and birth team and work well with medical providers
• Figure out their own role in parenting this new addition to the family
• Navigate your changing relationship

It’s all just too much!

And on top of this being an adult learner’s nightmare, this above list doesn’t even include what is arguably the most important role that a doula has, that virtually no one else in your life may have– supporting your decisions without weighing in with their own opinions and desires.

This is a key part of the doula’s relationship to our client– our ability to provide support, without being attached to what decision you make.

I don’t see how a partner could do this effectively.

Most of DC Metro Maternity’s clients are in relationships, (though we LOVE working with single moms by choice). We spend almost as much time with the partner not giving birth as the one carrying a child. We get to know them, and we see how involved they are in the process.

These partners are all in. They’re attending doctor’s appointments. They’re setting up cribs, packing hospital bags, and taking parenting classes. They are certainly attending the meetings between client and doula, and sometimes they’re the ones who call us!

They care a LOT about the outcome of these births. They’re invested in postpartum recovery going well and learning to take care of this new baby.

And that’s what we want, right? That investment is their job, even if growing the baby isn’t.

Frankly, if the father of my child was unattached to the choices I made about that child… I’d be worried.

But that investment leads to terrible doulaing. It makes for someone unhappy to see you in pain, and someone filtering all of the information they gather their own values, experiences and ideals. Which is something your DCMM doula won’t do.

So no… a doula is not taking on the role of a husband, or any other romantic partner, or co-parent.

They know you in a way we never will, and care about the choices made for you and your baby on a level that we cannot.

I want the other parent in my new baby’s life to have an opinion! Even if I disagree, I believe that we’ll be stronger for it. But I don’t want that from my doula.

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